


River

by unsaltysaltines



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Except with added angst, F/F, I believe this is what we might call a "Christmas fic", because I can't be stopped, hurt/comfort?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21983926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsaltysaltines/pseuds/unsaltysaltines
Summary: It's coming on ChristmasThey're cutting down treesThey're putting up reindeerAnd singing songs of joy and peaceOh I wish I had a river I could skate away onOr,It's Christmas in Purgatory, but Wayhaught aren't feeling particularly festive.
Relationships: Blink and you'll miss it Wyncedes, Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Comments: 5
Kudos: 63





	River

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas? I guess?
> 
> This kind of just…happened, thanks to [Joni Mitchell:](https://open.spotify.com/track/0DAmSYQW9kq9gQNDI002KP?si=maBSuynCQ9i0EV14B36pbg)

It’s been snowing in Purgatory since October, so Christmastime really doesn’t feel all that different—except that all of a sudden, there are wreaths lining Main Street and Santa is everywhere.

Nicole decides to walk up the street for her lunch break one afternoon, and she sighs deeply when she sees the festive gingerbread display in the bakery window. Stuffing her hands in her pockets, she walks quickly past the brightly decorated gingerbread mansion, swallowing the tears that are suddenly threatening to spill over.

_Keep it together, Haught,_ she thinks. _You’re the fucking Sheriff now._

Waverly loves Christmas.

_Waverly_.

Nicole doesn’t even make it to the café up the road; she ducks into an alley and lets her tears fall freely, even though they nearly freeze on her cheeks in the cold December air. It’s several minutes before she’s able to regain her composure, at which point she checks her watch and sees that she should head back to the station. With a deep breath, Nicole wipes the last few stray tears from her face, rolls her shoulders back, and shoves her emotions back into the box where they belong.

It takes all of her energy to do it, but Nicole somehow makes it through the rest of her shift without breaking down. Though she’s not sure how she’ll be able to make it through this Christmas without turning into the Grinch. When she pulls on her parka at the end of the night, she slaps a fake smile on her face as she says goodbye to the night shift and waits until she’s back out in her car to let out a roar of frustration.

She angrily turns the radio off in her cruiser, suddenly resenting all the radio stations for playing Christmas music nonstop. The drive home is quiet, and it’s all Nicole can do not to burst into tears again when she notices that her neighbours have apparently spent all of their Saturday decorating their house with lights and a giant, inflatable Santa Claus on the front lawn. Nicole’s house, on the other hand, looks sad in its dark and undecorated state, without even a wreath on the door.

***

Waverly is just coming out of the coffee shop when she notices a flash of red hair duck into an alley across the street. She feels a pang of sadness as she sees Nicole’s shoulders hunch slightly as she leans against the brick wall, clearly on the verge of tears.

She wonders if she should cross the street and talk to the other woman, but very quickly talks herself out of that idea.

No need to make things more painful than they already are.

She hurries to her Jeep, soy chestnut latte clutched tightly in her gloved hands, and tries to forget the image burning itself into her mind’s eye. 

Even as she drives back to the homestead, though, she can’t help but wonder what Nicole is doing for Christmas, and she expresses as much to her sister as she sips her coffee while curled up on the living room couch.

“Oh no, no way,” Wynonna says, pulling the hood up on the Christmas onesie she’s taken to wearing around the house. “I’m not getting into this shit with you. Not again.”

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?!” Waverly exclaims indignantly.

“ _You_ broke up with _her_ , baby girl, and you _know_ how I feel about that. Don’t invite her over for Christmas unless you’re ready to actually talk about your feelings.”

Waverly sighs and rolls her eyes at her sister. “I wasn’t going to—I was just _wondering_!”

Truth be told, Waverly _had_ been wondering, just a little, if she should invite the other woman to the homestead for Christmas and, after seeing Nicole downtown, was almost ready to do it too. She shot her sister a dirty look as she got up to sit at the upright piano she’d inherited from Curtis.

Sighing, Waverly positions her fingers over the keys and quietly begins playing the melancholy melody that feels like it’s been following her around for weeks.

“ _Jesus_ , Waverly,” Wynonna says incredulously.

Waverly continues playing, ignoring her sister’s snide remarks about “the most depressing Christmas song ever made” as she starts to hum quietly along with the melody.

_It's coming on Christmas_

_They're cutting down trees_

_They're putting up reindeer_

_And singing songs of joy and peace_

_Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on_

* * *

_The way Nicole’s face fell is all Waverly can see her entire ride home._

_The way she bared her soul to Waverly, and how Waverly just couldn’t reciprocate._

_It’s not that she doesn’t care about Nicole. In fact, Waverly has_ never _cared about someone the way she cares about Nicole. Which is why all of this is more terrifying than she could have ever imagined._

_Nicole deserves more than this. She deserves a girlfriend who isn’t afraid of what she feels, who doesn’t take off running at the first sign that things might be getting serious._

_Waverly brushes off Wynonna’s questions and breezes past her sister, who’s draped across Mercedes’ lap as they both sip whiskey on the couch. She ignores them and heads straight for the bathroom, where she turns the shower on and lets the steam fill the room before stepping under the stream of water._

_Nicole’s already called and texted her multiple times since she left; Waverly sees the notifications and the tears start falling as she thinks about the woman on the other end._

_But she’s too broken to deserve Nicole, and the sooner Nicole realizes that, the better._

_***_

_As Waverly rushes out of the house, slamming the front door behind her, Nicole is left feeling like someone has shattered her heart with a hammer. She moves through her nightly routine like a ghost, replaying the scene over and over and trying to pinpoint the exact moment where she got everything wrong._

_Waverly knows how she feels; Nicole has made her feelings abundantly clear. She’s been patient with the other woman, knowing that things haven’t exactly been easy for her in the past, but she was hoping that this time might be different._

_This time, though, she needed Waverly to say it back, to reassure her that her feelings weren’t one-sided._

_Instead, Waverly shrunk away from her._

_Her walls went up._

_Something hardened in her eyes and Nicole’s heart sank as she realized she’d crossed a line._

_“Waverly, I don’t know what it is you want,” Nicole had said softly, not making a move. “You_ know _how I feel, but it feels like I don’t know where you stand anymore.”_

_“Nicole, I…I can’t. I can’t do this, not right now.”_

_All the emotion gradually drained out of Waverly’s voice, and Nicole was left sitting, dumbstruck, on her living room couch._

_A lump rises in Nicole’s throat as she curls up in bed, alone, her texts unread and her phone calls unanswered._

_After a night of fitful sleep, Nicole wakes up the next morning to a voicemail waiting, and before breakfast she finds herself without a girlfriend._

* * *

_She tried hard to help me_

_You know, she put me at ease_

_And she loved me so naughty_

_Made me weak in the knees_

_Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on_

_I'm so hard to handle_

_I'm selfish and I'm sad_

_Now I've gone and lost the best baby_

_That I ever had_

_I wish I had a river I could skate away on_

In this particular moment, as she’s wandering aimlessly around the mall, Nicole hates this song so much. She wants nothing more than to grab Joni Mitchell by the shoulders and simply ask her “WHY.”

Though, if she’s being honest, the song does manage to capture just how shitty she’s feeling as she thinks about the Christmas gift she’d bought for Waverly only a week before everything imploded. She should probably return it, but that would give everything a sense of finality that Nicole isn’t quite ready to face.

Part of her still wants to hope. To think that maybe she won’t be spending Christmas alone.

Nicole turns around and leaves the mall half an hour later and goes to the grocery store instead. She pauses in front of the beer before remembering she has plenty of whiskey at home to go with her carton of candy cane Moose Tracks.

It only takes a couple of minutes for Nicole to trade her jeans and sweater for an old flannel, sweatpants, and Saturday night _X Files_ reruns. She’s just reaching into her silverware drawer for a spoon when there’s a sudden, loud banging on her front door. Nicole opens it, and is surprised to find Wynonna standing on the porch.

“Are you just gonna stand there staring, Haught? Because it’s pretty fucking cold out, and I _think_ it’s about to snow again.”

Nicole steps aside to let the other woman in, stunned.

“Wynonna, what the hell are you doing?” she asks quietly.

“Drinking. What’s it look like?”

“I mean what are you doing drinking _here?_ ”

“I am _offended_ , Sheriff Haught Shit,” Wynonna says with a melodramatic huff. “I thought you could use a drinking buddy, since all you’ve been doing lately is moping around the station.”

“Sure, but—”

“Just because my _sister_ is a top-tier dumbass doesn’t mean _I_ have to avoid you for the rest of my life,” Wynonna says, her voice softening just a little.

Nicole can’t help but smile as she pulls out two glasses instead of one, because she’s missed her best friend.

Wynonna is vocally unimpressed with what she calls “all this nerdy alien shit,” but she puts up with it with copious amounts of whiskey. Nicole notices that, even after a couple drinks, Wynonna carefully manages to avoid mentioning anything about her sister, and her own questions keep dying on her lips.

They end up passing the carton of ice cream back and forth between them on the couch, and as she feels the alcohol start to take effect, Nicole finds she’s almost able to forget. It almost feels like things are normal, like at any moment Waverly might walk in and join them.

At the thought of Waverly, Nicole’s mood comes crashing back down and she’s left staring forlornly into her whiskey.

“I can try and talk to her, you know,” Wynonna says quietly.

“Did she tell you what happened?” Nicole asks, her voice shaking slightly. “Because I don’t know that there’s a way to salvage this.”

“You didn’t cheat on her, did you?!”

“ _Of course not!_ ” Nicole exclaims.

Wynonna shrugs. “Just checking.”

“Honestly…” Nicole sighs, “honestly, I wonder if it would be easier if someone _had_ cheated. At least then things would be clearer.”

Wynonna’s jaw drops. “That’s _insane_ , you realize that? What the hell did my sister _do_ to you?”

Nicole does her best to try and explain what happened from her point of view, but she’s fully not surprised when she starts crying in the middle of the story. She hasn’t gotten to really discuss it with anyone, and as she talks it’s like her heart is breaking all over again. Wynonna’s face is impossible to read, and when she finishes, Nicole just shrugs indifferently.

“I’m gonna kill my sister,” Wynonna grumbles.

“Don’t you _dare_ ,” Nicole says, her heart sinking. “This is what she wanted, Wynonna. She just…doesn’t feel the same way. There’s no point trying to change her mind.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that…”

***

When Wynonna bursts through the front door the next morning, she finds her baby sister sprawled out asleep on the couch. She yanks the throw blanket off her sister, startling her awake.

“Wynonna, what the _hell_?!”

“Do you realize what you’ve done to Sheriff Haught-to-Trot?” Wynonna asks sharply.

At the mention of Nicole, Waverly groans and rolls over so her face is buried in the cushions of the couch.

“Nuh uh, baby girl,” Wynonna says. “We’re gonna talk about this right _fucking_ now.” She plops down on the other end of the couch and puts her feet up on the coffee table, poking her sister incessantly until she finally sits up.

Waverly sits up and wraps her blanket around her shoulders as she pulls her knees into her chest. She sighs and meets her sister’s piercing stare, the weight of the situation settling heavy on her shoulders.

“So she loves you,” Wynonna says. “That’s not _news_ , Waverly. She’s a fucking mess over there, wondering what she did wrong. I thought we’d have some fun last night, but instead I spent half an hour throwing tissues at her because she started crying into her drink!”

As she imagines it, Waverly feels tears come to her own eyes. 

She’s really fucked this up.

“Jesus, not you too,” Wynonna huffs.

“I just wish I could fast forward to three months from now,” Waverly says with a sniffle. “When she’s realized that she’s better off without me.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Wynonna sighs. “Waverly…” she leans forward and takes her sister’s face in her hands. “Look at me. I realize that I have to say it because you’re my sister, but _please_ believe me when I say…there’s no way she’s better off without you. _None_ of us are.”

“Wynonna, I’ve ruined everything with her,” Waverly says, her voice shaking. “I don’t even know what it is I want.”

“ _Talk to her_ ,” Wynonna says. “For someone so smart, you can be _really_ dumb sometimes, baby girl. You know you love her, but you’ve just gotta be honest.”

***

Nicole is at the office for nearly twelve hours on Christmas Eve day. She catches up on paperwork and old case files, standard routine stuff, but it’s when she notices she’s scheduling deputies well into February that she realizes she’s lost track of time and should probably head home.

Purgatory is, mercifully, quiet and still, the same as it’s been all day. Most of the stores and offices downtown are closed, and the driveways on Nicole’s street are all packed full of extra cars as she makes her way home.

Waverly’s red Jeep is idling in the driveway when Nicole pulls in, and it nearly causes her to go into cardiac arrest. She kills the engine and approaches the other car warily.

Looking into the passenger side window, Nicole smiles softly when she sees that Waverly is hunched against the opposite door, apparently dozing with a book in her lap. Nicole knocks gently on the window and feels just a little guilty as she sees the other woman snap awake abruptly. She gives Waverly a small wave and a sheepish smile before trying the door and finding it unlocked.

“Hey,” Waverly says quietly as Nicole drops into the passenger seat and closes the door. The dim light in the cab stays on, which casts a shadow across much of the redhead’s face. Even in the low light, Waverly can see there’s just a sliver of hope in her eyes.

“How long have you been out here, Waves?” She asks. “Aren’t you cold?”

Without thinking twice, Nicole reaches over the center console, takes Waverly’s gloved hands in her own, and begins rubbing them gently to warm them up. 

A shiver runs through Waverly’s body at the contact. “A little,” she says quietly. “Did you work late?”

“Lost track of time. Again.” Nicole looks away nervously, not wanting to give away that it’s because of Waverly she keeps working late. “Waves, it’s Christmas Eve…isn’t Wynonna waiting?”

“Actually, she kicked me out and told me not to come back until I talked to you.”

Nicole sighs. “You really don’t have to if you don’t want to, Waves. I promise I won’t be upset.”

“No, I want to!” Waverly exclaims. “I’ve been…I feel so horrible about all of this.” Her voice trembles, as though she’s on the verge of tears. “I was scared, but instead of talking to you about it like an adult…I ran. And I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I didn’t want Christmas to go by and leave all of…this…hanging in between us.”

Nicole doesn’t say anything right away, and the silence of the Jeep feels nearly deafening.

“Waverly…” she begins slowly. Even as she tries so hard to keep her voice level, Nicole feels a lump rise in her throat. “I love you, but…I don’t think I can do this again.”

Nicole leans closer and cups Waverly’s cheek. She gently strokes the smooth skin under her hand with her thumb and her heart still skips a beat when she sees the other woman sigh near-imperceptibly and lean in.

“I know I don’t deserve another chance,” Waverly says, “but…” her voice trails off, a question hanging heavily in the air between them.

Nicole moves her hand to cradle the back of Waverly’s head as she pulls her into a long, desperate kiss. She feels tears start to roll down her cheeks, but doesn’t pull away; instead, she holds the other woman tightly and hopes Waverly understands.

“Waverly…” Nicole breathes. “I know this isn’t easy for you. But I’m just asking you to _try_.” Nicole leans back slightly so she can look into the other woman’s hazel eyes. “Because I’m not going anywhere, but…I don’t think my heart can take it if you leave again.”

Silence falls again, and Nicole all but stops breathing until Waverly nods.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for sticking around!
> 
> Feel free to come yell at me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/unsaltysaltines), if you're so inclined!


End file.
